Signs you should not drive

I read an article recently discussing reasons why a Dad should no longer be allowed to drive.  I have two issues with the context of the article. 
First, why just Dad?  I mean, speaking only for myself and those husbands afraid to do so, I FEAR riding in a car my wife is driving.  How we don't crash and burn in an enormous ball of flames amazes me.  She's driving down the highway at a brisk 70 mph, changing the radio station, singing, talking with my daughter in the back seat, reading a map, adjusting the mirror, adjusting the air conditioner, and checking her make up....ALL AT THE SAME TIME. 
Second,  if we don't drive....are you prepared to chauffeur us around?  Didn't think so.

Anyway....I don't remember what the article said regarding the individual signs (probably because I really didn't read the thing), but I came up with my own list of reasons why Dad (or anyone else for that matter) should not drive.

1.  You can't remember where you parked.
I'm not talking about a mall parking lot.  I'm talking about overnight.  We have all stumbled to the door to let the dog out (because no self respecting dog will allow the 3am pee time to pass without waking up everyone in the house) and noticed the car is not under the carport.  At that point, we wander into the back yard (wearing only a T-Shirt that says "I'm Hot - You're Not  Boo Yah!" and red boxers) to find the car.  After a few tense moments we realize it's in the driveway....exactly 30 feet away, but we missed it.

2.  You avoid animals while swerving to hit pedestrians
I'm not saying this is intentional, but if you would would trade the lives of two squirrels humping in the middle of the road over a teenager holding his pants up with one hand and texting with the other, well....you might have some issues.  This is even more concerning if you considered swerving to hit the teenager when there WEREN'T any animals in the road.

3.  You rarely wear pants.
Not that I think this is a bad thing....however I can state the management of the "Gas and Belch" convenience store frowns on this type of behavior.

4.  You have conversations with imaginary passengers.
We have all seen people do this.....and some of us might be guilty of doing this as well.  It gets funny when the person doing it is VERY involved in a conversation with what apparently is a being from another dimension.......then looks over and sees you looking at them.  Then it gets dangerous....because most of those folks are pretty psychotic to start with.

5.  You drive angry....
This one is not fair....because I live angry.  Why you ask?  Have you met my family?  Do your knees 'crack' everytime you get up out of the chair?  Is your hair gray and growing from your ears?  Do you thing Hugh Downs is sexy?  I could go on for hours here......

6.  You get lost easily....even at home.
How many times have you heard someone yell, "Where's your father?"  That's because no one (including him) knows where he is....

So....should Dad not be able to drive when he becomes elderly?  The jury is still out on that decision.  Mostly because the jury foreman has been stuck behind me for the last hour and I'm driving 20 miles an hour with my left turn signal on.

The 70's....there's more

When I first wrote about 70's songs, I just wrote about songs that were on the top of my head.  Funny thing....I started listening a little more to what I was 'bee-bopping' around the house too......wow.....the 70's were a strange decade.  Not so much in a strange 'we are weird way'....but more of  strange 'I want in your pants' way.  Don't remember?  How about these little ditties:

Your Sixteen
"You walked out of my dreams, and into my car...Now you're my angel divine....You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're mine."
And I'll probably end up in jail.

I'd like to make it with you
I wonder if guys would use this as a pick up line.  You know, saunter up to a girl while the song played in the background....then point suggestively.  Wonder if it ever worked?

That's the Way I Like It
That's all he says the entire song.  "That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it uh huh huh"
K.C. had to be the ultimate horn toad.

Feel Like Makin Love
Bad Company....that's what you were if you played this song.  Nothing like getting right to the point.

Chevy Van
"Like a picture she was laying there, moonlight dancing off her hair.  She woke up and took me by the hand, gonna love me in my Chevy Van and that's all right with me".  My son couldn't understand why one of his friends said her dad told her she was never riding in that 'sex wagon' he drove in high school.  It was a CHEVY MINI VAN.  I had never thought about it till he told me that.....

Do you think I'm Sexy?
"No, not really" was the answer I usually got.

Why don't we get drunk and screw?
I don't think this was necessarily a bad song....I mean, it's more of a suggestion.  You know, a bunch of teenagers sitting around, someone asks "What are we going to do tonight?".  Every high school senior hopes this is the answer you'd get.  Of course, it never happened to ME....

Give it to me baby
"Gimme that sweet, that stuff, that funky stuff".  I think back on how silly my dad looked while telling me the song was about cotton candy....then I have panic attacks on how silly I looked doing pretty much the same thing with my kids.



Of course, no discussion of 70's music would be complete without mentioning:

Rapper's Delight
Classic line of this song..."have been over to your friends house to eat and the food just ain't no good.  The macaroni's soggy the peas are mush and the chicken tastes like wood".  Watching my friend Norman smash the album into shards while Eric Clapton's 'Cocaine' played in the background is still a vivid memory of my high school years.  That and, now that I am older, realizing that if you babble like an idiot people will love you if you do it to a catchy beat....much like the members of Congress.

Then there was this one:

Convoy
Breaker 1-9 we got a smoky back there takin piktures. 
Roger, thanks for the specs. 
Neg-a-tory this is Eustis not Roger.  I don't wear specs. 
OK, roger, that's a big 10-4, you wanna back up from that Kill and Grill them smokies have some baby bears learnin' to be chicken inspectors and they are out for guns.  Roger on that smokie, we're gonna stay in the granny lane and give eights and good numbers till we hit Bean Town. 
Uh, names not Roger.......

I look back on those days and wonder if some alien race was visiting Earth to help us develop the ability to cure all disease and hardship and they heard that particular song.  What would they do?   They'd probably go back to their home planet and warn their race about the retards living on earth....then they'd change the Interstellar AAA Travel Map to read:

Earth: 
3rd planet from Sol Sun.
Nice to visit.  Don't stay long.  Don't drink the water. 
Don't call him Roger.

Is this the real life?*

So, I've been thinking....which is something I do when I am relatively sober.....about how different families handle the day to day activities of their lives.  Seriously, I look at my life and while it is amazing...I wonder how it differs from the lives of others.  So, in an attempt to find out the truth (and get more wine) I ventured out one evening in search of answers (and some fine Merlot).  Didn't find out much (other than the local supermarket here has a great selection of red wine)....so I moved my research to another level.  Yup, I watched television.  Now, you would think I wouldn't get much data....you would think that, and you'd be wrong.  I got LOTS of data.....mostly stupid data....but still there was a lot of it.  After watching several television programs (why do we call them programs?  who started that? aren't they still "shows"), anyway after watching some SHOWS I can safely and accurately state that my life is nothing near what life is like out in the world.  Or at least the world of television.  Let me give you an example.  Here is a breakdown of a normal morning for Rupert, Glendella, and Juniper WhiteBread (age 11).

6:00am	Rupert's alarm goes off
6:03am	Rupert puts on his Gucci slippers and
	walks to the kitchen
6:05am	Coffee is ready (the $400 coffee maker
	starts on it's own.)
6:15am	Juniper awakens to the sound of
	Vivaldi's Four Seasons
6:20am	Juniper walks to the living room where Rupert
	is sitting watching the morning news
	"Morning Father" she says as she moves
	into the kitchen and makes herself an
	omelet for breakfast.
6:22am	Glendella awakens and joins Juniper in the
	kitchen
6:35am	Glendella and Juniper finish breakfast.
6:40am	Juniper goes to change into her school
	clothes (which were layed out the night before)
6:55am	Juniper brushes her teeth and combs her hair
7:00am	Rupert is ready to leave
	Glendella and Juniper go over last nights
	completed homework and make sure all
	necessary school work is signed and in
	the backpack.
	Rupert makes Juniper a healthy lunch
	with fresh veggies and 100% juice
7:15am	Rupert takes Juniper to the bus stop
7:20 to 7:30am	Rupert and Juniper enjoy some "one on
	one" time before the bus arrives
7:30am	Bus arrives and Juniper happily skips off
	to school

Sounds pretty normal right?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Here is what MY morning looks like:

6:00am	My alarm goes off - I hit snooze
6:20am	I jolt out of bed realizing I've overslept and run
	through the house screaming to get everyone
	up and out of bed.
6:23am	Realizing I don't have time to make fresh coffee,
	I just pour a cup from yesterday and nuke it.
6:26am	My wife enters the kitchen and demands fresh
	coffee….I give her a gift card to Starbucks.
	and tell her she should get her butt out of bed
	earlier…….
	We will fight about that later…..
6:40am	Finally, my 11 year old stumbles out of her room
6:55am	We give my daughter a granola bar to eat
	while she is getting dressed
	Since we have no idea if the clothes on her bed
	are clean, we iron them just to be sure.
	After the granola bar, we have her brush her
	hair and teeth at the same time…..two hands
	two tasks…it's efficient.
	Dad pulls out a Lunchable and a bottle of water
	for her lunch….puts them in a plastic grocery
	bag.
7:15am	Begin the search for last nights homework
	and the backpack
7:20 to 7:30am	Finding a pile of paper on the floor, Dad assumes
	it's the homework and shoves them in the
	backpack
7:30am	Drive like a maniac to the bus stop.
	Miss the bus
7:30 to 7:40am	Follow the bus to the next stop while my 11 year
	old rustles through her backpack and announces
	I've put our taxes in there instead of her
	homework.
7:40am	After arguing that it "wasn't my fault" her
	homework was at home and she should be more
	responsible, my 11 year old stomps to the bus.

See, that is real life. 

The best conversations I have had with other parents are the ones that revolve around mornings.  I like these conversations because they give me ideas to help make my mornings smoother.  Things like:

1.  Put the dog on my daughters head to wake her up.
2.  Have my daughter put her socks and shoes on in the car on the way to the bus stop.  This is especially effective in the rain.
3.  Change the alarm radio station in my daughters room to "Smooth Disco Sounds of the 70's".
4.  If my daughter doesn't get out of bed using #3, go in her room and actually SING some 'Smooth Disco Sounds of the 70's"

It's not just me.....I know that.  Every parent I know has mornings like mine, I mean...well, OK...most do.
I'm sure there are a subset of parents like Rupert and Glendella.....but I believe they spend the better part of their day deep in a bottle of bourbon or some other adult beverage.  I have to believe that....or I'll just get depressed that my taxes got an 'F' in my daughters 5th grade math class.

*with props, respect, and just plain awe for Freddie Mercury and Queen

7 Reasons to have sex right now

Several days ago while surfing the net I came across an article called "7 best times and reasons to have sex".  Just from the title I immediately knew it was written by a woman.  How did I know that?  Seven?  Really?  That many?   If it were written by a guy it would have been titled something like "Why we should have sex right now!"  and there would be only two reasons:

1.  I am awake (and there is ample research suggesting this isn't necessarily important for a guy)
2.  I am breathing

But as was the case with most articles about guys...it was written by a woman and here are some examples of the best times / places to have sex:

1.  Early Morning (just after waking up)
Yea, we all know about the male 'morning chubby'....so this would work for guys.  But my experience (and trust me when I say it is VERY limited) is that no woman wants to wake up and have sex.  Nope....gotta go pee, brush our teeth, wash our face, etc. etc.  By the time all that is done, well....it's noon.

2.  The middle of day
I can only say this would work if one or both partners was unemployed.  Although, I'm sure somewhere in the corporate world at noon you will hear a guy tell his boss, "I'm going to lunch and should be back in about an hour.  Unless she wants to cuddle or something."

3.  Have sex in another room
The suggestion was the living room, shower, or maybe the extra bedroom.  While those are pretty good suggestions, a guy would add a few.
The Kitchen Table - especially interesting during breakfast.  This wouldn't work of course because while the man would do what you see on TV, that is just throw everything on the floor and lift his wife up on the table, it would not work that way with a woman.  Nope, she'd carefully put up the cat shaped salt/pepper shakers, the limited edition Hello Kitty candlesticks, the pumpkin faced place mats, and the large stack of crayon drawings (created by your 4 year old) of people who look like they were involved in tragic farming accidents.  By the time that's all over....the guy will think he's supposed to clean the kitchen rather than have sex in it.
The Guest Room -BUT in your neighbors house.
How cool would that be?  "Say neighbor, can we hang out here for about an hour?  No, no....you guys can go out, we'll lock up."
The Back Seat of the Car - always a classic, always reliable, and especially exciting if you're in the drive through at McDonald's.  "Welcome to McDonald's would you like fries....OH  MY GOD!"

4.  Middle of the night sex
The idea here was if you wake up in the middle of the night....why not?  I agree.  Can you picture this scene:
It's 3:15am.....
"hey baby, you awake?" 
"yes...I am"
(smiling and moving closer) "well, I'm good if you're good"
"touch me again and I'll smother you with your own pillow.  I NEED SLEEP!"
I don't have to tell you which one of those was the guy........

It turns out the best time to have sex really is when each of you is awake and reasonably coherent....although again, not that critical from a guy perspective.  The best place would be anywhere the mechanics would work.  I mean, I'm not an engineer, but there are certain physical limitations and specifications that must be met.  Given those, there are certain places you should NEVER attempt sex.  Places like:

A Yugo (even the 4 door version)
The floor of your child's bedroom.  Mostly because while it might be fun, if your child is a girl one of you might be removing Barbie accessories from places no Barbie accessory should ever be found.
ANY room in your parents home
Your yard.  Especially if you have large dogs.

Now, I appreciate the author's attempt at trying to help.  But truly most guys don't really need help trying to find different times and places to have sex.  No, what we need is help finding a place to get a really good cheeseburger and a cold beer for under $6.00.  Find that, and you'll be a guy hero.

The Dance Competition

Several months ago, no I don't remember how long ago and I'm too lazy to go back and look, I wrote about the dreaded Dance Recital.  This is where your daughter dresses like a street walker and struts out on stage to the blaring sounds of some rap song entitled "I'm Big fo Money".  Anyway, there is another aspect to your daughter taking dance, that is the Dance Competition.  It goes like this:

You sign up your daughter for the dance team.  This means she will have to 'try out'.  The try out involves having her do a 15 second routine without falling down.  That being completed, you wait 4 days for a letter to come in the mail that looks like this:

________________________________________________________________________

Anger Management Studios

Where Dancing Keeps us Calm

Dear    PARENT/ OR SOMEONE RESEMBLING ONE  ;

Congratulations!
INSERT CHILD'S NAME   has been named to our Dance Competition Team!

Please return this acceptance form along with your check within 72 hours.

Regards,

AMS

*I INSERT ADULT SOUNDING NAME, the legal parent or someone who is at least over 21 and claims responsibility for INSERT CHILD'S NAME (preferably the same name as above), hereby agrees to the following:

1. A payment of $500 is due RIGHT NOW to cover expected expenses of the Dance Team.

2. These expenses will be explained later, and I am not allowed to question them.

3. Dance Team practices are at 5:00am every Saturday.  If my child misses a practice I agree to be stripped naked and covered in ants.

4. Dance competitions will be held every three months in exotic places like Uganda.  I am expected to attend these competitions at my expense without question.

5. If my child misses a competition I agree to be stripped naked and covered with ants.

6. A new and revealing costume will be purchased for every competition.  I agree to pay for these without question, regardless of the cost.

7. If I do not pay for the costume I agree to be..….you know what, if you just agree to do whatever the hell we tell you there won’t be a problem.

Sign here ---à________________________________________________

Attach your check here -à

________________________________________________________________________

The first day of practice involves the parent meeting.  At this meeting semi-conscious moms are herded into a small room to go over 'the details' of the competition team.  These details include insuring everyone knows that large amounts of money will need to be paid and the studio has a long tradition of winning the 'Titanium Award' at the Annual NorthEast BiLateral Bicuspid Central County Dance Competition and Cook Off.....so every child had better give a stellar performance or face imprisonment.  Also at this meeting the studio will:

1.  Verify everyone sent in the $500 fee.

2.  Ask for an additional $150 "judges fee" that the studio will handle for each competition.

The moms are then told to leave because the girls don't perform well when parents are watching, and if parents are there the instructors can't use preferred motivation techniques such as attack dogs and whips.

So, for several weeks your wife gets out of bed at some ungodly hour every Saturday and treks out to practice.  Suddenly, one day she hands you a note that says:

Our first competition "The Semi-Annual Sausage Fest and Butter Churning Festival Dance Off" is on (insert date).  The festival begins with the ceremonial cow tipping at 3 in the morning on the first day.  All dancers are expected to attend this event, and our first performance will be at 10am on the first day.  Hotel rooms have been blocked and are at a reduced rate equal to that of most standard home mortgages.
Please send a check for $300 to cover costume costs and expenses.  We have always won this competition.....and we will again.....or else!

You then cash in several stock options and make travel arrangements.  The competition is in FarAway Dirtsville and will take 5 hours by car or 12 hours by plane.  Since your daughters 'performance' is at 10am, you naturally have to be at the venue by 7am.  So after working 8 hours, you pile into the car and drive through a part of country the Blair Witch is afraid to walk through.  You arrive at the hotel at midnight, and after unpacking you get to bed.  You stumble out of bed in about 3 hours and get to the dance venue by 7am so your daughters instructors will be able to:

1.  Verify you have paid your costume fee.
2.  Collect an additional $50 for expenses not planned for but turned up after the studio owner spent all night at the local casino
3.  Check your daughters hair.  (I don't understand what this entails, but I assume they just check to make sure that the child actually has hair)

As you look around at the other parents from other studios, you notice a pattern:

1.  Some of them have matching T-Shirts.  These are festooned with fun sayings like
"Shelby's Dance Studio.  We kick ass" 
This is printed over a photo of a donkey being kicked by a dancer.
"BB Studios.  Shoot for the stars"
This is printed over a photo of a dancer with a shotgun pointed at the sky
"Cletus Studios.  I just love to dance" 
This is over a photo of Gregory Hines.

2.  Most of the parents are carrying around clipboards for making notes when their studio performs.  I once looked over the shoulder of someone and noticed the following notes:
Mary Gail - Smile more
Mary Grace - Stay in line better
Mary Nell - Kick higher
Jennifer - Why aren't you named Mary?

3.  All of these folks are carrying an industrial sized toolbox filled with make-up, hair clips, hair bows, extra shoes, extra tights, small furry woodland creatures, hats, socks, earrings, combs, brushes, small firearms, and a fully stocked and functional wet bar.

Now this is compared to YOU....sitting in your "Kiss the Cook I'm Irish" shirt while carrying around a garbage bag with extra clothes.....some of them being your own.

So, after 8 hours the competition is over and it's time to announce the winner.  Awards are 'tiered' starting at Gold, then moving to Silver, Metallic Aluminum, Yellow, Purple, Bronze, Almond, Light Purple, etc.  Everyone wins an award.....even the ones that fell down a lot. 

At the next dance practice you are told the studio won a "Chartreuse".....which is just above Bronze but right below Metallic Aluminum....and no, nobody explains what that exactly means....except that it was a good thing....so shut up and just be happy it is over.  At least for now.  Since they were awarded a Chartreuse they qualify for Nationals.  These are held in IRAN over the Christmas holidays.

You should start saving now.